G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra MPAA Rating: PG-13 Entertainment: +1 Content: -3

Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Christopher Eccleston, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Byung Hun Lee, Sienna Miller, Rachel Nichols, Ray Park, Jonathan Pryce, Saïd Taghmaoui, Channing Tatum, Marlon Wayans, Dennis Quaid. Written by Stuart Beattie and David Elliot & Paul Lovett. Directed by Stephen Sommers.

FILM SYNOPSIS: Paramount Pictures and Hasbro, whose previous collaboration was the worldwide blockbuster TRANSFORMERS, join forces with Spyglass Entertainment for another extraordinary action-adventure G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. From the Egyptian desert to deep below the polar ice caps, the elite G.I. JOE team uses the latest in next-generation spy and military equipment to fight the corrupt arms dealer Destro and the growing threat of the mysterious Cobra organization to prevent them from plunging the world into chaos. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is directed by Stephen Sommers (The Mummy, The Mummy Returns).

PREVIEW REVIEW: The first explosion really got the ball rolling. The second and third bombs, however, seemed half-hearted. But just as you begin to think you’d heard it all, the fourth, fifth and sixth explosion are full of verve and gusto. As to the hand to hand combat, much of the praise must be given to the actors’ body trainers and the studio’s sound department. I was most impressed by the bone-cracking resonance. Too often the crunching of broken bones is too muted in movies to really appreciate the pain the victim is experiencing. But here the din of snap, crackle and pop is heightened in order to drive the point home. The point being, the victim is now incapacitated. As for the gore, the filmmakers got the color of the blood just right, not too dark or runny, with just the right attention paid to the oozing from the countless wounds. And the martial arts battles were consistent with the slo-mo fly-through-the-air ease associated with this screen combat of the past decade…

Getting the point? This isn’t a movie to be critiqued. It’s G. I. Joe, for crying out loud. It’s only rated PG-13, so there must be some of you poor souls who think it must be okay for the kiddies to tag along. I mean, it’s not R-rated, so how violent could it be? And certainly God’s name won’t be profaned. Right? Oh, please.

There are guys who like military action flicks, the more brain-dead, the better. They don’t go to these films for profound themes concerning the essence of war. Nor are they looking for examples of Stanislavski’s acting Method. And they certainly didn’t come to see what our soldiers have to endure emotionally during combat. The audience for this kind of movie is there to hear bombs go boom. Is that a release factor? I don’t know. Is it an adrenaline rush? I guess. Whatever it is, how am I supposed to review it?

This isn’t meant as a snobbish putdown for fans of the genre. It’s just an assessment of the fact being that the producers have made sure that this type of film is un-reviewable. They’ve made a movie based on an action figure toy. For a professional to attempt to review such a movie is rather like asking an art critic to assess the finished efforts of kindergarten finger painters.

Of course, it can be argued that out of ten million finger paintings, one may signal a child’s genius for color, balance and theme. So, we critics will go to see the G. I. Joe’s and the Transformers in hope for that big surprise where CGI and Special Effects are there to support the artistry, not become it.

MOVIES: THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE REALLY, REALLY BAD by Phil Boatwright, is an incisive, often humorous revelation of the cinema’s cultural impact, one loaded with DVD suggestions for the entire family – even moms! For more info on the book, go to our home page.

Preview Reviewer: Phil Boatwright
Distributor: Paramount Pictures and Spyglass Entertainment